I Can Love You When The Lights Go Out. (Relationship Reflection)
POST CONTINUED FROM - Relationships “It’s My Choice, Now.” Mercury Retrograde / Eclipse / New Moon 2021 ( 6/8/21 - I would read that first)
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It’s been a week now since processing my previous partner coming back into my life two years later - and for anyone who understands the depth of this - you also understand the process comes in waves.
You start out almost in shock - are they really calling me? Are they really back in my life in this moment?
It feels as almost an out of body experience.
Why?
Because all the time apart you spent moments wishing they were there but knowing they were not.
You spend countless moments wondering / hoping / day dreaming they were there…but you start to realize they were just silhouettes playing in the mind.
And, then one day they suddenly appear? It feels like a dream.
Then you enter into a space of anger.
Why did they come back now? What is or was their intention? Why now?
You enter into a space of deep reflection and rewind of the ‘why’ you are actually not together anymore.
Then,
You enter into the deeper feelings of it. The raw feelings of it. The truth of it.
You realize it’s not anger - it is the emotion that is rooted from anger - which is sadness.
And, you go through that cycle.
You first get sad because you miss them,
you think about all the magical moments you had together at the beginning of it all.
Then,
…you move into the feelings of sadness rooted around the ‘why’ you are no longer together - all the things that hurt within the relationship - all the betrayal, the unconscious moments, all the compromising you did for the other and all the sacrifices you made for what you ‘thought’ was healthy love.
But, then… you move into sadness around the reality of the situation.
You start to realize it was never about them.
you start to understand the journey was always and is always about finding and discovering the healthy love for yourself.
You start to think about all the silent battles you’ve won without them, all the sleepless nights and painful days you’ve gotten through in their absence and that you have had to hold yourself, be there for yourself, depend on yourself, trust yourself and love yourself …
You realize the sadness is because it’s really over.
Not just with them,
but, the battle with yourself.
The war within yourself.
The deeper sadness comes from letting go of a piece of yourself that you have been programmed to believe your entire life until you decide to take the full responsibility and initiative to heal, for you.
NOT THEM.
Even when they return - they are just a reflection of the ending within you.
The Closure of a story that no longer serves your life now.
They are just a physical representation of an outdated program.
Healing takes time.
Healing comes in waves.
We have to allow ourselves to feel the depth of each one in order to heal the wound and not recreate it.
We have to be willing to do the work around it in the absence of them.
We have to be willing to let go of the dream we saw with them in order to create the dream we see for ourselves.
My previous partner is someone I loved more than i’ll ever be able to express in human language. My previous partner is someone who when I was with them I saw the world - I saw their infinite beauty, I saw their endless potential, I saw their magic, I saw their incredible inner child, I saw their truth, I saw the pureness of their love - I saw it all…. but, I realized this time when they reached out - I kept fighting for THAT person - I kept loving THAT person.
But, at the end of the day- THEY have to find that person in themselves,
THEY have to LOVE that person in themselves.
THEY have to FIGHT FOR that person, not me.
I realized they resented me because I held onto a vision for them that they weren’t committing to finding for themselves.
I realized I resented myself because I put so much time and energy into helping them try to find THAT person in themselves instead of finding and fighting for THAT person in myself.
I realized the humanness of life through this.
That everyone is on their own path - their own lessons - their own trajectory and you can’t interfere with someone else’s evolution.
B taught me how to let go.
B taught me how to let go of how I see or envision someone else’s life and fully surrender into my own.
I learned how to fight for myself
I learned how to love myself.
I may not have found the partner I was searching for within them or who I had hopes for them to be…
But, I did find;
that partner within myself.
the hope I had for them - in myself.
…I found that person I always saw in them….in me.
I found myself through this relationship and absence of it.
I discovered that I can love myself even when the lights go out.
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As challenging as this experience has been - i wanted to write this as a reflection for anyone reading this because :
I know it hurts, I know there are moments that feel utterly paralyzing when it comes to separation and relationships, but if we can stay present and ask ourselves;
How could I ever doubt this experience or be upset it didn’t last - when I know if I stay in full presence and take full advantage of the lessons within it , I have the ability to grow and expand past my wildest dreams?
Everything is happening for us - not to us.
I am a full advocate that we do create our own realities. Every moment of it.
And, if we make the radical choice to live fully into the now and into our stories - and not run or numb from them - we will discover that it is all leading us into our Ultimate Fairytales and allowing us to become the
Heroes Of Our Own Story.
