How Do You Watch Superman Hang-Up His Cape? How Do You Say Goodbye To The Hero Of Your Story?

(Written to the Piano music of Danny Wright )

I can still remember it like it was yesterday….

 I had just gotten back to California from being by my fathers bedside for almost 3 weeks. It was around thanksgiving time and I was just, well, looking back in this moment…numb. 

I don’t think anyone really ‘gets it all’ when you’re going through losing anyone, especially a parent.

I was at the time still seeing my partner who I was very much in love with but had no idea how to communicate to them what I was feeling….

How my entire Fairytale was collapsing before my feet and I didn’t even have energy or language left for them...

I felt like I was floating above it all and just couldn’t come down…

But, looking back now that makes sense, right?

I was numb to everything; I wasn’t wanting to be present for my physical reality 

It’s funny though…because as numb as you get 

something comes over you…

A strength that is unlike any other 

At least that’s how it was for me..

I knew that my father chose me

 to help transition him to the otherside, 

And with that deep knowing, 

Everything else melted in my life… 

My relationships, my friendships… my business….

I remember moments I would walk out of the care facility he was at and I would just sit in my car for hours crying 

But, I would go to bed an do it all over again. 

Because I just didn’t have another choice….

So..

When I had arrived back in California I knew it wasn’t going to be very long until I receive a call that I had to fly back to Chicago…

One of my friends had taken me to a kirtan yoga class in Santa Monica to try and get me out of my head

I remember at the end there was this beautiful woman named Radha who started singing to us in Shavasana – the words “freedom and let go’ penetrated my entire being as tears slowly started to make their way down to the mat beside me…

I felt my heart so intensely trying to stay open and not close from what was happening all around me…

It was such a moment of reflection for me

Lying there… moments away from saying goodbye to this character in my story and hearing those words.. “freedom … let go”

But, how could I just let go? How could letting go bring me freedom?

There was this part of me that was so at ease with the words and a part of me that was so angry

When we got out of class

I turned on my phone

My stomach dropped,

I had 3 missed calls from the hospital 

I called back and  they told me I needed to get on a flight immediately to say goodbye…

( writing this right now, I just can’t stop crying.. I don’t think the pain will ever go away – and, I know that’s okay, because I don’t want that feeling to go away… the experience of him – of this, meant so much to me – and always will )

That night as I was packing one of my friends asked me 

“What are you going to miss most about your father?”

As I was folding I just stopped and smiled… I looked up and said “God.. there is so much I am going to miss about this man…from the way he is really such an ass to people haha but he is the most gentle, funny soul to me…. His laugh…his smile…the way he takes his vitamins…………………………………”

And then, I peered off to the corner of the room and she asked, “what are you think about…?”

I was so lost in this one memory of my father – 

when I was about eight years old my mother and I had gotten into this car accident on thanksgiving – a couple of teenager’s tee-boned us and our car flew into a stoplight. 

The moment that happened all I did was scream for my dad… nothing else mattered to me.. I just wanted my dad…

Coming out of that memory I said to my friend…

“You know what I am going to miss the most about my father…?”

….“He is the character of stability…of balance….of unconditional love… of a ‘secret bond’ I had with another character in my Fairytale…. In this lifetime.  I am going to miss his character and the ways he showed up in my Story – how he helped me slay all my dragons, how he saved me from the burning tower… how he rescued me from the big bad wolf….

I am going to miss The Character of ‘Dad’ in my Fairytale…”

 ____________

Early morning came as I boarded my flight back to Chicago…

As I sat on the plane, I took out my journal and pen 

….I had these moments where I would get so lost in the clouds wondering if I could see him?

Visualizing us one day dancing up there together again…

We were about halfway through the flight when my hand decided to finally write something on that piece of paper and all it had the energy to muster up was….

Eulogy Title:

How Do You Watch Superman Hang Up His Cape?

How do you say goodbye to the Hero of Your Story?

When we landed

I was taken straight to the hospital where I was told that since I had left, he hadn’t really opened his eyes very much 

Before I went into his room, I remember telling my brother I needed to grab something from my bag

I pulled out my Bluetooth speaker and put-on music 

(blasting it in the hospital)

My brother asked me what I was doing?

I said,

“if you are in the darkness, would you want to open your eyes to more darkness or to the light…?”

I walked into that room dancing…singing…..playing….

A few moments later my father opened his eyes and smiled

He knew it was me.

The rest of that day I was there alone with him 

I was in the corner trying to write his Eulogy, 

but nothing was coming through….

That night I sat next to him just holding his big hands 

Telling him how safe he was…. 

That evening I went home to get a couple hours of sleep when I woke up to ‘The Call’

As I got into my car in the early AM, I taped myself saying “you’re about to say goodbye to your father right now Cass, this is going to be one of the hardest moments of your life and I want you to remember; that you got through it.”

Later that day my mother and brother came to the hospital as we knew it was getting closer to our goodbyes 

I went into the bathroom and I took off my long sleeve shirt

Underneath I was wearing my NOWLevelUp shirt that said, “you are not alone.”

I knew I needed a reminder that all my angels were there with me about to hold my hand as the Biggest character in my fairytale was being ‘written out..’

I walked out of that bathroom and grabbed my Bluetooth speaker and put-on music from a burning man playlist – something that made us feel like we were in a dream

I got into his bed

I turned and looked at him...

At this point he was wearing an oxygen mask that took up his entire face

I said to him with tears in my eyes 

“I never got to tell you about my trip to India…”

His eyes got wide and inquisitive 

(god…do I miss him)

I said… “I learned the secret to life; would you like to know?”

Again, his eyes got really wide

I said

“It is to Let Go.  That it is Okay to Let Go.”

I will never ever forget the way we met eyes in that moment

I knew I was giving him permission… 

it was the hardest moment in my life

and, I know it was for him as well.

A few moments later my father let go. 

He passed on Novemeber 29th 2017 at 2:22pm EST.

That day felt like a dream….it all still feels like a Dream… I guess maybe because to a degree it is?

When it got time for the funeral service,

I knew I was in charge of the Euology – of describing what this man was to the world…

And, the only way I knew how to portray that was to explain what he was in my own Fairytale;

I started with: 

 On the plane ride here all my hand could handle writing was 

How Do You Watch Superman Hang Up His Cape? 

How do you say goodbye to the Hero of Your Story? 

The past few days I have been sitting with that…

And,

what I have come to realized is…

You don’t. 

Every morning that I wake up and make a conscious choice to step foot into this world and walk myself into that bathroom

I will look in the mirror

I will look so deeply into my eyes as I brush my teeth

As, I take my vitamins

And …. I will smile 

As I look to my left 

And,

I grab my own cape

and

throw it on 

And,

Finally, have the courage to

become the hero of my own story.

I will see all the moments he gave me stitched into that cape…

I will feel all the beauty he taught me weaved within all the colors and warmth of that cape which keeps me safe now

I will finally choose to become the stability, the balance, the unconditional love and create that sacred bond with myself now. 

My father was such a powerful man, simply because the character he chose to play in all our stories

He was a character who was invited in and made a lasting impression….

He influenced and supported thousands of people

He was a character you were privileged to have written into the book of your life

He was someone who pushed you to become the very best version of yourself 

Sometimes in a good way and sometimes not…

What I realized is

it was in his passing when he made the biggest difference of all

The woman I am today and continue to be is because he taught me how to step into the shoes of being my own savior

He taught me the biggest lesson of all; 

That no one can save you but yourself.

That no one can give you that permission, but yourself

He taught me that;

one day you are going to have to slay your own dragons, 

you are going to figure out how to climb down that burning tower yourself

and,

you are going to have to be able to face the big bad wolf all on your own….

My father, Marshall Bauer

Was the mirror for all of us

He was the character who taught us how to give ourselves permission to fly…

…to have the courage to try and the balls to succeed

How to really live into our own Fairytale 

How to put our own capes on 

And,

How to become the hero of our own Story. 

 —————

After my dad passed, I started seeing life very differently 

I believe its because I had to start taking radical responsibility for it all

Even the things I once did not want to…or even know how to…

The loss of my father was definitely my radical “Up-level.’

Losing him made me a believer

that 

the characters that come into our lives play a pivotal ‘role’ in our evolution

if we allow ourselves to see it that way…

They teach us something about the chapter of our lives that we are currently in

and,

they push us to want to take the pen back

 and,

write the story the way we have always dreamed to be written into.

I now am in the process of writing

My Ultimate Fairytale. 

________

I knew my father as a spirit…I was privileged to know him as a human

Now, he’s always with me as I journey in this physical form and I know one day we will play together again in a different Fairytale

In a different life 

In a different way.

------------------------

Today would mark the 91st birthday of my father and I will remember him today and always as my Eternal Hero – Happiest birthday Dad, thank you for teaching me how to fly.

My Deepest Love,

Cass