33 years on Earth – The Resurrection – The Surrender into the Quicksand
Written to the music of Willow by Rizik
Distinct,
Palpable,
the feeling of the pavement under my feet tonight….
As I began walking with magic
Step by Step
Thought by Thought
Breath by Breath
Everything just started to melt….
I was listening to this beautiful piano music and as the melody picked up
So did my pace….
Until I was completely running.
I was running so fast.
I looked down,
Magic looked up at me…
We were in this…. Nothingness,
Together.
And,
we knew it.
We started jumping over ledges,
Weaving in and out of cars,
At one point we were moving so fast that the stop lights, the streetlamps, the cars, the house lights…all of it,
started to blend together.
we entered this channel of pure and utter bliss – of crystalline color.
as the music shifted, I looked down at my feet and it was like watching the movie Forest Gump…
do you remember?
the part when he starts running and he runs so fast that his metal braces on his legs start flying off, piece by piece?
Well, this visual was like watching magic and I running through this tunnel of crystals
and the intense colors made up these ‘braces’ all over my body
They were the most vibrant colors I had ever seen & felt before -
Each piece of color was filled with a memory… a feeling of some part of my life I have been through that has called for me to show up fully
With every step I saw these memories just ascending off of me
just like the brace in the movie…
Like particles that were limiting me…
Taking flight and projecting onto the tunnel walls
like watching myself running through this trippy movie
of my many past lives…
I saw my past partners - all the shameful moments I ever had – all the anger, all the hurt, all the sadness just explode off of my being
I started running faster
Through it all
Watching it…
As
My shoulders opened
more and more
Dropping down my back
My chest opening
Wider and wider
I could feel this chill from the spaces being created around my heart
As she whispered to me
“I will not close again, I promise.”
I started witnessing my childhood –
all these moments of me crying and scared
just shattering into pieces…
Melting down my legs…
Stepping on them as I continued to run
I could FEEL the memories…
Piece by piece…
Every tear I ever cried, every bathroom floor I was ever paralyzed in, every crack of every heartbreak…
I could feel it all
Leaving…
Like echoes in the wind passing me by…
all the moments I have ever been abused just
collapsing
within and around me
Piece by piece….
The music shifted again
I started to witness something profound
The Contrast
Between the parts of me that wanted to move so fast…
Versus the parts of me that wanted to slow down…
I felt like I was in the middle of these two humans
The past me
And,
The future me
I felt so present with them both
I could feel the parts of me who were in reverence for all the lessons and pain I’ve been through in my 33 years on earth
And,
the parts of me who were saying
I am happier then I have ever been - I have felt enough of my past, I don’t need to learn from that pain anymore – I don’t need to feel it again and again – I am safe now to move on….
I could understand how there was one part of me who was having a hard time saying goodbye because the pain and suffering was all she had ever known
And,
I could also relate to the other side of me
The one who has had enough of remembering and learning from it…
The one who has spent so much time and energy to be in a such a magical, healthy, abundant space of pure love.
Then,
I stopped.
Magic stopped.
The music stopped.
I stood at this corner
and, just started crying
But,
This was a different cry
Even for me….
This was all parts of me uniting as one…
Crying together for once
Not because I wished that things turned out differently…or that I was in a different place in that moment
This was an understanding of it all
all parts of me….
The entirety of my Fairytale.
I felt as if I was flying in a cloud reading the book of my life…like there was a sense of finality to it?
And, I realized just how the one witnessing the contrast was
Me….
In the NOW, that I had accomplished
PURE PRESENCE of my own Fairytale
I was in that moment not the witnesser -
but,
the one witnessing the witnesser.
I started smiling…
because I thought about this conversation that I had with a friend just days prior about my birthday coming up
I said to them “I am turning 33 – which is known as your ‘Jesus Year’ – and honestly, this year feels different – I can’t fully explain it, but I just feel like I have been through so much in my years on this earth – I have had to overcome and become so much and lived so many lives, but this year feels like my life is just beginning? Like someone pressed ‘restart’? like this is finally
‘my time to really live as the me I have always known myself deep down to be’…’
She smiled at me and said “Cass…what did Jesus do?”
I was really confused and I smiled and slowly said back… “uhh.. he died?” haha
She gave me this ‘yeah I know smile’ and said ‘what else did he do Cass?”
I took a moment…..
I slowly raised my head and I spoke
“He was resurrected.”
She smiled and said
“Exactly…”
_____________
I can’t explain how flying into my 33rd birthday feels other than…
‘Right.’
My entire life has felt….
Like quicksand
The more I tried to ‘get out of it’
The more I sank….
And, my honesty is the past few years I realized I needed to play this game radically different
I needed to stop trying to ‘fight the quicksand’
This time I needed to surrender into it
I needed to let go
To trust
To take a deep breath...
And,
submerge fully into my life…
Into my body
Into my heart
Into my Fairytale….
Let myself really be with it all
All the parts of me…
All the characters I have had to play to survive
the one who was hurt,
the one who felt neglected,
the one who fucked up,
the one who numbed,
the one who suffered,
the one who cheated,
the one who self-doubts,
the one who fears,
the one who has lost,
the one who was lost,
the one who sabotages,
the one who was abused,
the one whose heart has broken into a million pieces many times…
I wanted to really be with all of them….
I needed to actually…
I needed time to dive into all of those aspects of me and understand my choices behind it all
All of my ‘whys’
I needed to meet those parts of myself and love them for choosing to live and experience those feelings in this lifetime…
For having to be those in order to survive…
I needed to submerge into the quicksand….
without a flashlight
Or a lifesaver
And have unwavering faith that I could still breathe
That I could still survive
And, know to my core that there was a purpose to witnessing it all, understanding it all and feeling it all….
Tonight – as I walk into my 33rd year of life
I, RE-EMERGE
in the Happily Ever After
With the deepest compassion of self
Of all aspects of me….
I can’t help but express how blessed I feel to have another chance at this life…
To be able to press restart and be the woman I know I was born to be….
My whole life I played small as the character of Fear
simply because I was raised and exposed to those types of human…
Ones who were scared of the darkness – of the world – of the light
And, by submerging
By myself, for myself
Showed me the strength I have in my SELF
To choose the character I want to play in this life
It showed me that it is my choice now,
And that character I choose is…
Love.
————-
I realized in my years of submerging that I came to this life to really experience it all…
I realized that part of my souls ‘desire’ to come into this life was to really feel what it is like to LIVE many different lives in ONE.
And understand with love why I had to play all the characters –
why they did what they did to survive those chapters of my story…
I wanted to see all those characters through to the middle of the story and see their growth –
I wanted to witness and feel into their evolution over the past 33 years in my human experience
And,
I also wanted to experience the depth of what it would feel like to fully let go of it all and put that book down for good…
And,
feel the beauty of opening up the crisp new pages of a new story and feel into the mystery and excitement of beginning to write a new one…
I believe we all live many lives here…
We all have so many “books” within us
And, I also believe it is up to us at points in our lives to stop…
Read the full books we have lived
and
have the courage to put them down and write the new one that we desire
As, the charcter and hero we have always wanted to be…
Tonight – I go to bed
With a smile on my face…
With love and compassion in my heart for the old
And excitement, hope, strength, courage….love
For opening my eyes in the morning to
A brand-new story
A New Fairytale
Waiting to be lived into. 💫
I want to remind you - yours is right here, right now
I am just a reminder that your fairytale still exists…
Right now.
My Deepest Love Forever and Always,
Cass 🌬🕯
