The Depth Of A Long-Awaited Goodbye
This evening I decided to read these words to you.
This evening I stood in the kitchen with the lights dimmed so I could attend the brilliant colors of the sun that stunningly set beyond the mountains. I scored this moment with delicate piano music while cooking Magic’s dinner. At one point while mixing his vegetables, I started to notice tears making their way down my cheeks, to rest just above my lips.
I stopped, put the spoon down on the counter and slowly opened my mouth. I extended my tongue out and began to slide it back and forth to taste the depth of what I was feeling.
I closed my eyes and said “God, show me, I am ready.”
Actually, let me back up…..
Last night as I slept I experienced a very powerful moment.
I do not remember whether or not I was dreaming but I awoke after feeling my heart in full expansion.
It felt as if I were a balloon that someone was pumping oxygen into and my chest kept getting bigger and bigger.
I could feel the edges of my heart.
When my eyes opened I had this moment of fear creep into my consciousness.
This was, dare I say ‘not normal’ for me as I have not been in a space of fear of being alone in a very long time, so this felt ‘uncomfortable.’
I remembered slowly turning my head from one side of the pillow to the other, I glanced forward only to be met by the sight of Magic’s paw dangling off the couch in the other room.
I smiled, my heart beat slowed, my eyes easily shut and my soul drifted back into dream space.
As I awoke in the morning I was met by Magic’s tongue in my eye and then by his butt for morning scratches.
He and I have this ‘thing’ we do where I will slowly glide my entire body off of the bed onto his tummy and we snuggle for at least ten minutes before I say the word walk and he eventually leaps up and smooshes my entire body with his big everything.
As I finished up my morning routine I suited him up for our walk.
Currently where I am staying is set between the a giant forest and an enchanted lake.
At one point I decided to let Magic off his leash and walk around the front yard with me.
I stood watching the way the sun was reflecting off what must be a type of metal across the lake. I was thinking to myself how it looked as if God was holding up a mirror. It was absolutely breathtaking.
At one point my eyes became so cloudy from staring at this reflection for so long that by the time my vision became clear I noticed Magic was acting very strange.
Magic is one of the most intuitive creatures I have ever met. The moment any energy shifts I know it is here because Magic is feeling it.
Seconds later Magic took off. Yup. Just started to run like Forest Gump into the woods and I just stood there like “is this really happening right now?”
I was so calm, so at peace and in all honesty did not want to deal with this.
I knew he was not actually running away, he just wanted me to run after him and play.
Needless to say, being by the woods with bears and a street with giant trucks of lumber running by, this did not sit well with me.
As I made my way through these bushes I saw him waiting for me.
Since he was a puppy I taught him the game hide and seek which in hindsight may have been one of the worst decisions I have ever made, but i made it non the less.
Long story short, I got him, sat him down and told him how upset I was and I called him a ‘bad boy.’ ( Oh my, even writing this right now is hurting my heart. )
I put the leash on him and headed inside because my group meditation was starting in just minutes.
This forty day meditation that I am currently doing is focused around Grief, so I intuitively knew and felt that this was a trigger for something deeper within me.
As I got inside I could feel just how out of alignment I was and I felt as if I was about to black out.
I got into my room and sat down on the floor.
I felt the same feeling I felt when I awoke in the middle of the night.
Fear.
And, instead of jumping into another moment, I sat within the feeling and said out loud “God show me, I am ready.”
Just seconds later I was hovered over hysterically crying holding my heart in sheer discomfort.
It was the same feeling from the other evening, like someone had been blowing air into me and I could feel the edges in the entirety of my body. But more than anything, around my heart.
I jumped deeply into my internal world to witness and listen to God.
Instantly I was teleported into every moment of my life that I held my feelings and emotions in.
I mean, every single moment since I was two.
It was as if I was sitting in a chair within my heart, while someone set up a projector and asked me to watch a movie about ‘how I held in my grief throughout my entire life.’
And, instead of opening my eyes, getting up and running out of my room, I sat with it.
I sat with all the times I saw, heard, experienced and felt my grief that I did not allow myself to feel the fullness of.
I witnessed all the times something had been taken from me in this Human Experience.
My toys, my baby blanket, my binky, my first dog, my first house, my first school, my childhood, some of my dreams, my brother, my grandmother, my father, my partners, my friends and so much more.
I sat and felt all the moments I did not allow myself to feel the ENTIRETY of my GRIEF.
Most of us don’t sit back to ponder just how real loss feels and just how deeply layered and complex grief goes.
It doesn’t matter how big or little it is, it is still a loss.
And, it is not just about losing people.
We lose locations, we lose jobs, we lose things that created our identity at a certain part of our lives, we lose our dreams, we lose parts of ourselves.
And we rarely, if ever, give proper time to pay reverence to that.
When a child has a toy that they just love more than anything in the world and it is taken away, they feel that so intensely. They cry so hard because it is so real to them, it is a part of them and they don’t and can’t understand why it cannot still be there as they continue into the next moment or chapter of their life.
For us, as adults, most of us have learned to suppress that moment of deeply feeling the loss.
Why?
Because, the majority of us have been programmed not to feel the entirety of our feelings due to watching the ones around us. Or, some of us have a fear of looking weak or being ‘too much’ as our authentic expressions for this world.
Most of us keep those ‘big feelings’ bottled up inside.
And, the truth is, through the years all of the moments we bypass add up and start to wear down the soul.
So, for me, I didn’t realize just how much that was happening for myself until this last year.
The thing is, I didn’t even think about running away today.
Instead, I had this aspect of myself saying; ‘The time has come where I have the time and space to finally FEEL all of this.’
I felt like I had been waiting my entire life for this moment, As strange as that may sound.
See, the thing is, for the past eight years I have really given myself permission to feel, but not like I have in this recent year.
This last year has been a pretty triumphant year for myself.
It was the first year of my life that I let go of being anything for anyone.
Meaning I gave up what it meant being a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a coach, a teacher and really… a human?
I know that may sound funny but it is my truth.
I have realized over the years of continuing my path into God consciousness just how programmed we are as humans.
To be, do and act a certain way because thats what this human experience has created us to be.
I just decided break free from it all.
I gave up everything that I once thought defined me and kept me safe in this world and came home to everything that actually keeps me safe in this world, Me.
My intuition, my grace, my authentic self, my sat nam, my soul and my love.
As I laid on the floor holding my heart I listened and what echoed within was;
“Cass, what you are feeling today is the contrast. From what once was and what is. There is no longer a glimpse between what happens in the external and what happens in your internal world. You spent way too long holding, and suppressing the entirety of your feelings. Now, you have full permission to feel it all. This moment in your life is a gift. You get to feel everything you stored for decades in order to really heal and love yourself through the moments you never got to. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. This is where you accept how gentle and deep the oceans within you run. This is where you find radical compassion for the entirety of the story you are choosing to now close and put up on the book shelf. This is the moment you realize you will never abandon yourself ever again.”
As I sat within this knowing I asked God “Why did everything happen with magic this morning?
What I realized was Magic was just a trigger for this moment.
And, in that moment I felt it all.
See, when I adopted Magic years ago it was at a time where I was losing my father and I was trying so hard to hold onto something in this world because I didn’t want to dissociate from my experience as I did so much as a child.
Magic has become the most profound tool because he helps me to stay present and not run from life.
My deepest knowing is that we are all mirrors.
Magic helped me to see where I once was and where I no longer am choosing to be.
But, thats not all.
While my eyes were closed God took me deeper.
Not only did God show me all the times I did not allow myself to feel grief but I was also shown the other side of the coin.
I was shown all the moments my parents, brothers, partners, friends, strangers, pets and this world has not given permission to feel their grief.
I felt the energy of the collective.
I started crying harder.
It was so beautiful.
I am crying as I write this to you right now.
I dove deeper and still kept thinking about why I got so mad when Magic ran away, especially when I knew he was not truly going anywhere.
And, then I saw it.
So clearly.
Magic triggered my abandonment programming.
The moment he ran it triggered all the moments that I had felt everything was taken from me that had caused my buried grief.
That is just another layer that we don’t dive deeply into.
We don’t consider how abandoned we feel when people leave us, even if it’s not their choice.
We don’t consider how abandoned we feel when our favorite stuffed animal ‘get’s thrown away’ because it is time to ‘grow up now.’
We don’t have someone sitting next to us telling us that it’s not our fault.
I realized I had said that to Magic because I was so scared to lose him.
Funny how that works in my mind though right?
I got scared and I yelled at him? It doesn’t make sense?
Well, it did not for me either.
So, I asked God “Why did this feel so out of alignment?”
God whispered, “Do you remember when when you got into that accident Cass? Do you remember how your mom wouldn’t stop screaming at you? Do you remember how sad you were that she wasn’t more loving towards you? Can you see why? Can you see the depth of her fear now? She was scared to lose you.”
This moment not only showed me where I once adopted this program but it also helped me to choose differently and heal this aspect of myself.
It assisted me in loving myself through the fear.
On day I will have to say goodbye to Magic in physical form and when that day comes I know I am fully capable to sit with that grief and love myself back through it.
I no longer run or hide from my pain but now i allow myself to feel the entirety of it.
Something I could not do in my adolescence.
I know that each and every experience I am co-creating with God to show me how I can level up more in my own life.
Today, Magic assisted me in being a better woman, friend, daughter, sister, mother and soul.
Eventually, I stopped crying.
I backed up towards the bed and just sat there for awhile until I felt I had given myself proper time to feel.
I got up and went into the other room and sat down with Magic and explained everything to him in a very conscious way.
He looked at me in a way he has never looked at me before.
As I continued with my day, I moved slow. I stayed gentle with myself and allowed myself to let go of work, of doing anything and I just sat with my feelings.
I gave all of them space.
I sat and felt all the memories that decided to make there way into and through my consciousness.
And, at one point I sat down in the chair in this living room and started to write this.
As I began to write I felt the Old Story leaving completely and the New Story I am stepping into being birthed.
I knew it all happened for a reason…
As I stopped, put the spoon down on the counter and slowly opened my mouth. I extended my tongue out and began to slide it back and forth to taste the depth of what I was feeling.
I closed my eyes and said “God, show me, I am ready.”
I was standing next to the hospital bed exactly eight years ago today.
I was watching myself lying there.
November 11th 2013 at 1:11am.
I saw the exact moment I consciously chose to be the full embodiment and character of unconditional love.
I started smiling.
I opened my eyes to this now moment.
I saw Magic,
I saw vibrant colors,
I heard silence,
I felt spirit.
I put my hand on my heart and I felt my love.
I felt the gift, of this life.
I felt my Once Upon A Time,
I felt my Happily Ever After,
I felt my Fairytale.
I knew today was an important day for me.
Because, this is the day I felt The Depth Of A Long-Awaited Goodbye.
Always and Forever My Deepest loVE,
Cass
